Jack Keith's Amazon Affiliate Buyer's Guide Vol. I: Summer Grilling

Welcome back, Jack Keith Readership. You all know I’m a generous philanthropist, and passionate about helping you. I want you all to become strong, powerful, and wealthy. Not just so you can be the best version of yourselves, but also so that one of you can help me pay back a loan shark I’ve been avoiding for weeks. I’d like you all to start a new journey of self-betterment with me today: a journey of having better stuff. That’s right, I said it. You can’t take relationships or memories with you when you die, but if you build a pyramid like the Egyptians then you can bury all of your kick-a** stuff and you’ll have it forever. That’s how history worked and history is basically facts, and that’s the bottom line. In that spirit, I’m proud to announce a brand new advice column:

Jack Keith’s Amazon Affiliate Buyer’s Guide

To make sure I’m bringing only the best, highest quality product to the attention of my beautiful readership, I’ve teamed up with my close personal friend Jeffrey Preston Bezos, you might know him as Jeff Bezos. Jeffrey and I used to skip 3rd period together and smoke cigs by the dumpster before lunch. Fast forward 30 years and he’s the richest man in the world. I couldn’t be more proud of him. He owns a website that he named www.amazon.com. And what’s more, he’s humble enough to share his website with Almost Friday, by way of the prestigious Amazon Affiliate Program, so that we can help you buy things that will ultimately fulfill the void in your soul, as God intended. Thanks Jeffrey!

Now that we’ve got introductions out of the way, let’s talk about this week’s theme baby. It’s hot outside. My yard is dry as a bone and definitely not green. The leather in my Volvo XC 60 is hot enough to brand me, and in fact the bespoke “Work Hard Play Harder ;)” embossment I’ve had custom added to it’s seats is now permanently branded on the back of my upper thigh. My fake Gucci Ace soles just melted to my kick-a**, 100% authentic Rip-Stick. I have to keep my pet Savannah Cat (named “Diplo”) indoors for months on end. Summer clearly has its drawbacks. But there is one tradition that summer boasts that is worth spending thousands of dollars enjoying, and so it must be the inaugural theme:

Summer Grilling

Now onto the fun part - let’s talk grilling gear. I care about you, reader. And because of that, I don’t want you to end up serving over-cooked burgers from a George Foreman on paper plates. That’s a good way to not earn respect from your neighbors, who should both respect and fear you. I will make sure my recommendations inspire both in your guests. With my suggestions, your grill-out will be executed perfectly, cementing your reputation as a Grill Goddess/God. Shall we begin?

For Slicing that Goooooood Beef:

This here is a Tibetan Buddhist Khadga Bronze Dragon Flaming Sword. Considering what you’re getting, it’s a steal for the price. First of all, this sword is from the 1800’s. Safe to say that’s a good investment. If at least 40% of your liquid assets aren’t invested in swords you’ll never survive the next recession. I don’t want to see you go out like that. Financial stability is important for you to live stress free and be the best version of yourself. So buy this sword. Aside from a solid investment, this sword is also a f*****n sword, which again, will pay for itself eventually in terms of self-defense and asset protection. Grill-out wise, you will of course be theatrically slicing cuts of meat with this thing for a crowd of terrified/delighted guests. As a bonus, this sword also comes in handy as a tool of intimidation so that, for instance, my step dad Devin (who sucks), will stop putting your fingers into the dip when you dip ok Devin or I will fight you with a sword.

For Staying Cool:

If for some reason you don’t already have a pool, you’re going to want to overnight this bad boy to your house. As we’ve discussed, it’s hot. You don’t want a heat stroke totally ruining the vibes. Give your guests relief from the heat with this pool that measures 10 foot by 20 foot and has 3 slides. This pool is perfect for children, which is perfect for you, since you will not have to interface with them while they are busy peeing in this thing. More time for you to assert your dominance as grill master.

For Doing the Right Thing:

Now that you are a pool owner, you have a lot of responsibility. You must protect frogs. You know what’s a good way to lose the crowd at a BBQ? A dead frog in the pool. Don’t murder frogs in front of your guests like a dumb ole’ caveman. Deploy the FrogLog™️ and save the day instead. Nature lovers will admire you, vegans will applaud, you will be a hero, and you can’t put a price tag on that kind of social capital.

For your Torso:

A “Kiss the Chef” apron is very 1900’s. It’s 2019. The ‘Claw is the law b***h, and this shirt is perfect for our modern times. In all truth, White Claw is the official drink of the summer. Pop this bad boy on and show your guests that you’re current on the trends. The tank top is also the perfectly shaped garment for a grill-out. You’ve been flipping patties with an antique sword, flexing hard, and throwing 12 year olds into an inflatable pool for hours - you’re going to want to ventilate those underarms.

For Authentic Grilling:

You didn’t think you were actually going to use a grill to cook at your bbq like a pedestrian did you? No way, I can’t cosign that sort of mediocrity. We’re going to use a technique developed by artisans in Corpus Christi, Texas, where one cooks their meal over a gigantic open wood fire in an empty lot down the street. That’s the only real way to grill. The link above is for 60-70 lbs of kiln-dried red oak. This is definitely enough to cook for all of your guests and have the entirety of the city’s firefighting resources allocated to your location, which is a gigantic flex.

In Conclusion:

Even though the paint is melting off of your house and your crush still hasn’t responded to your text, this can still be your best summer yet. If you aren’t arrested for the flippant sword wielding, suspected arson, or a borderline un-permitted water park, you will go down as an undisputed legend in your zip code, and your crush will carry their text-ditching you to their grave. Actually, all that will still happen even if you are arrested. In fact, for maximum storytelling effect, it’s probably better if you do get arrested. But I cannot recommend that in good faith, after all, we all have mouths to feed. For me, the mouth is a $6500 cat that does not come when I call it, but for you it could be, like… A whole human CHILD. So do consider the aforementioned suggestions for your kick-a** cookout, but please BBQ responsibly. And if you do have a cookout, invite me. Not only because I assume full responsibility for it’s potential success and none for it’s potential failure, but also because I think my $6500 cat may be hunting me and I am scared to be in my own home. Happy grilling y’all!!!

- Jack Keith

P.S. No joke, if you do buy a three thousand dollar sword, or anything else from Amazon, please remember to head to smile.amazon.com. That way, %0.5 of you purchases will be donated to the charity of your choice. Jeffrey Preston Bezos just texted me and said he’s got rent covered this month, so he doesn’t mind missing out on that %0.5 😉.