Sweet Keith's Treats
Welcome back folks. I don’t have to tell most of you this, but when you smash that link to a Jack Keith article, you’re going to get something you didn’t know you needed. That’s my whole schtick. You don’t know what you want, but I know what you want. “C’mon Jack! Stop messing around! Tell us what we need!”. I can hear the drool hitting your keyboard, my friend. And I’ll tell you why you’re drooling, it’s because society is failing to give you what you truly need… Sweets! I’m talking desserts, confections, bonbons, Pâtiserie - everything in the greater pantheon of post prandial treats.
Last Wednesday at my weekly day-trading/kickboxing circuit class, my partner Rod couldn’t hold my wooden board straight. I said “Hey ROD! If you don’t hold that board straight I’m gonna end up kicking you in the face and you’ll totally miss the Uber IPO! What’s up with you today???”. His eyes snapped up to mine, and he told me: “Man, I just can’t stop thinking about the donuts I’m about to pickup from Ms. J’s. after this.” Fair enough. Ms. J’s is an unimpeachable classic. But I had to tell him where he messed up: “Next time get your donuts before day-trading/kickboxing class bozo!” I can’t blame Rod for being hungry though… Ms. J’s doesn’t open until 8:45pm, and we have disappointingly few options for sweeties at the cash register (who else is tired of Snickers and 3 Musketeers?). When I really get the craving for a chocolate bar, I just whip up some ganache and chocolate truffles myself or temper some 55% cacao dark chocolate to coat my blueberries and shortbread. Done and done. But I get that that’s not an option for all of you. After all, I only sleep 30 minutes a day (with my eyes open of course to defend against intruders), and most people can’t afford themselves the kind of time that gives me. With people like my buddy Rod out of luck regarding confections, this all has got me thinking, how can I help? What is the market missing and how can I give the good people what they need?
First of all, let’s talk a little 1000ft market analysis. Pretend you’re me: It’s 3am, you’re putting gas in your Corvette before peeling off to Town Lake to get a quick 13.1 mile run in before pilates at 5am. You mosey into the gas station to get yourself a little reward for all the calories you’re about to burn. You’re analyzing the options: Eating chocolate from Mars (Snickers, M&Ms, etc.) is the equivalent of getting your groceries at a Valero. That rules out 70% of the options. If you’re at some boutique store like a Quickie Pickie, you may be able to snag some $12 artisanal chocolate bar that some dudes in Bludstones made in Brooklyn, but that’s just going to be some 78% dark chocolate BS for the type of people who think that PBR and Lone Star are the same thing. Ok, hoity-toity chocolate with no personality is not for us, so what’s left? Well, you could go full goofball mode and pay $6 for a rice krispie treat (I’ve done this and will surely do it again). OR you could go with the respectable, tasty, and substantial Tony’s bar. They make actual chocolate bars, not just x% cacao blah blah blah bars. But hey wait a second… Sacre Bleu! Tony’s is… DUTCH. Let’s bring the chocolate bar industry back to the MF USA, am I right folks?
So alas, after many hours of meditating, I have become moved to posit a solution:
Sweet Keiths’s Treats
That’s right folks, I’m throwing my hat into the ring. I’ve got a mental memory bank of tasty morsels to unleash on you sweet, hungry, little birdies. “But Jack Keith, how do you even begin?” I can already picture you asking. Well usually I would answer that question, regardless of the context or topic at hand, with funding. Nothing’s free, and darn it if I don’t love shaking hands and lubin’ deals. Usually I’m elbow deep in a Dallas art mogul’s Birkin bag before I even start drawing up a business plan. But you know what? This is a passion project. Maybe some of you have never heard of that, but I have a strong value system which is a pyramid with tasty sweets at the top, followed closely by ROI and jet-skis on the second tier, and so on and so forth in that order. I’ve got an inert drive to reach for the top of that pyramid, and so I’m going full throttle and providing some of the seed funding myself. Mhmm, I’m even cutting costs. I’ve been putting mid-octane gasoline in my Pagani Zonda (which will almost certainly cause it to eventually detonate) just so I can afford fair-trade, organic, imported chocolate for my loyal followers.
Boom, great. Where there’s a check, there’s a way right? Done and done? Well… yes. I could end this post here and you could all still safely expect scrumptious confections by the end of the summer. But because it’s my prerogative and I’m a total alpha , I’d like to share with you my confectionary process and what I’ve been up to so far.
Presenting… a prototype:
Intended to be enjoyed solo, by candle light, and all at once.
Almost too much to bear isn’t it? Let me explain. First of all, this is one chocolate candy bar and it does measure about 11'“ x 11”. It is meant to be eaten alone, by candle light, and in one sitting. If that’s not your cup of tea, then sit on the porch and let the big dogs eat baby. Now as far as the content of the treat, I kept it simple and classy, unlike my second marriage: 54% tempered dark chocolate base, topped with a layer of caramel, and finished with waffle cone. I know what you’re thinking: “Finally! Why hasn’t there been waffle cone as a crunch element in a chocolate candy bar before? F*** rice puffs!” I couldn’t agree more. As far as taste notes: The chocolate is of course, delicious. The caramel, which was my first foray into homemade caramel, turned out way better than I expected for seemingly no reason (other than that genuine caramel is perfect and can do no wrong). It was rich and malty and the fact that it was fresh lent it a much creamier, dairy-reminiscent quality than the stale sugar-paste you get inside of a Rolo. The waffle cone provided much needed texture, extra sweetness, and a welcome vanilla flavor to the mix. All credit to Central Market for stocking a half-decent waffle cone. Overall I’m pleased with my first venture into the field!!! It’s almost like stirring up sweets at home is like, the way it’s supposed to be, instead of having them extruded in a gigantic factory then packaged in plastic and shipped across the country.
Now regarding things to improve on… Well… Usually as a rule, I refuse to admit weakness or mistakes - control the narrative before the narrative controls you etc. But for the sake of my own betterment as a chocolatier, I will note some areas where I can improve:
I need a lot of practice tempering chocolate. Tempering is the controlled heating, melting, and molding of the chocolate that gives it a structural integrity you’d be used to with store-bought chocolates. E.g. tempered chocolate is glossy and doesn’t melt at room temperature. Without mastering tempered chocolate I will never be able to sell products with any sort of shelf life, and my dream of ordering one of my own chocolates through an Amazon Alexa via the WiFi in a 2019 Dodge Ram will be dead in the water.
I need some more gear. A candy thermometer is useful for tempering chocolate and will help me spin up caramel more efficiently, and if I “forget to take it out of my t-shirt pocket” next time I go out on West 6th then 30-somethings with condos downtown will probably think I’m creative and sensitive. Also, I need more pans and wider pans, which will help with volume, as well as speed/cooling.
I need to play with proportions: You can’t tell in the pictures, because again, as a rule, I refuse to expose anything but perfection on the internet/social media, but the chocolate layer on this first batch was, if you can believe it folks, too thick. I didn’t need that much on the bottom, and probably could’ve put half on top and made it a sandwich situation.
Because I value complete transparency, here is a close up, so nothing is left to imagination:
The best part about this experiment is that I will change the world and undoubtedly become a billionaire in the process. But I will say, the best part that has actually happened so far has been scheming about treats, baking with people I care about, and sharing sweets with friends. Even though baking with people I care about and sharing with friends aren’t going to bring in enough cash for me to winterize my Natique, I still believe those are the are the things I love most about whippin’ up treats.
That said, I do have multiple realties and extended universes imagined in my head about the future of Sweet Keith’s Treats. All of them involve myself owning a tiger. Most of them include me whipping up more treats in the short term, and sharing them with friends. These realities also include a launch party in the future, potentially toward mid-summer. These are all things my heart desires. Don’t worry Jack Keith Readership ™️, you’'ll be the first to know about all that if it does happen.
I’ll update you all when I have more news. Until then, I’ll just have to leave you kind folks champing at the bit 😉.
Cheers,
Jack Keith
