Unlock Your Potential With Man Camp IV (A Letter to a Director of Tourism)

Big City Fat Cat Administrator

Big City City Hall

Big City, Cool State 69420

Dear Big City Fat Cat Administrator,

What you do with the knowledge penned on this paper could make or break your entire career as a public servant. It could change the future of your city for the better, or doom it forever. Are you going to go down as the city Administrator who cemented your city as an American cultural lynchpin, or as the person who may has well have dug the city up themselves with a backhoe and hauled it to the middle of North Dakota? Well listen up bitch - sorry, that was crass. LEND ME YOUR EARS bitch:

Your city has been selected by Dem Boyz as a finalist for consideration as a home base for Man Camp IV. If you don’t already know what the fuck that means, go ahead and stop reading, staple this letter to your resume, and 360 tomahawk slam dunk the both of them shits into the the recyclables, because your unprecedented ignorance just disqualified your city from the running and you will clearly never find work in your field again. If, however, you’re champing at the bit to hear how your city can host the most prestigious, globally celebrated, historic 4-day long cultural event of the year, please read on for a brief summary of what we can offer you and what we’re looking for in return.

What Man Camp Can Do For Your City

Global Reach

Dem Boy’z social circle is cast wide like a giant net, not just because we’ve actually got turtles mingled about (what’s up Scooter🐢, RIP Speedy ☠️🐢), but because we are global and our contacts are global. You want to put your city on the world map? Don’t pay some sophomore from a Junior College $25/hr to draw up some adverts, just have Dem Boyz pop of a few fire Grams and set the world aflame.

We are 20-something strong. We are legion. We have a combined Instagram following of many bakers-dozens of thousands. We count among our ranks cute band studs, svelte young scientists, oil tycoons, catwalk kings, Japanese citizens, steamy front (and back 😉) of house boys, and generally iconic personas. We cover a lot of bases. It’s a good look for us and potentially for your city. We’re magnificently cultured arbiters of taste. Literally everyone knows this. If we post up for Man Camp IV, your city will be the next Marfa, or at least the next South Padre Island. Either way, more people will be throwing up there afterward (1).

How much would you pay per click for a random sponsored add on Insta that you know is going to trashed in the comments section by kids who are too young to buy a flight to your city anyways? One dollar fiat? Three? Skip that expensive riff raff and go straight to the source baby. We’ve got hordes of gorgeous and wealthy second tier influencers (we are of course first tier, the Lone Start to their Pabst, if you will) licking their lips for our juicy, tender content and when we post, it’s fucking FLY OUT SEASON. I’m not an accountant but I can spell R-E-S-I-D-U-A-L-S baby. We’re talking viral exposure during man camp, visitors later, they tell their friends, their friends visit, and like my step-dad getting fired from Randall’s again, the cycle continues.

Economic Stimuli 

When I say “economic stimuli” I’m not talking about a kissing booth, although we aren’t opposed - we’re no prudes😘. What we really mean is that Man Camp injects liquid cash into hosting cities, while setting the stage for steady financial growth in the future. Let me explain, I know math very well and you can take any number I cite as a contractual promise (2):

We have a good time, and people love to have a good time. Ergo, people love us. And will give us money. I can guaran-damn-tee you that if Dem Boyz steps in to a bar and starts wilin’ out, popping off geo-tagged Snapchats, and firing off cute and ✨unique✨Grams, that venue’s going to be bussin’ at the seams with groms and gals just looking to live their truth and buy each of us, like, 8 shots. That’s cover, that’s drinks, that’s Uber’s and Lyft’s, that’s a pay-day for local commerce, chief. That’s cashola BABY. And that’s just ONE NIGHT. Man Camp is a constant excuse for your citizens to get in on the action. Dem Boyz are at the beach? You already know someone’s fixing to rent a volleyball net. And with a match comes expenses. Challenging squads need sunscreen, dranks etc., and they need bandaids too when we kick their asses (except for Scooter (not the turtle), fuck you scooter). That’s all cash flow.  And that’s just touching on the cash we’re gonna get other people to spend. Wait ‘til you get a load of our receipts baby.

For Man Camp III Dem Boyz allocated $4000 for lodging. Rent’s high - let your city’s landlords use their assets and make some dough! Total spending on alcohol by Dem Boyz at Man Camp III, according to estimates by our accountant Tom Hogan, was $13,226.70. So - yea. If your liquor stores are in danger of going under fly us out immediately, we can talk terms when we get there. Don’t even get me started on incidental spending - you ever rented 20 bikes at once? It ain’t cheap, pal.

Any Press is Good Press

When was the last time your city made national headlines? One year from now, you’re going to answer that question like this: “Fuckin’ Man Camp IV baby! Greasy Ass Tacos! Eat ass 69420 🍆🤟☠️”. Let me tell you why.

We buzz like a swarm of Africanized honey bees. If we’re all in the same place for four days, there will likely be: falling in love, fist fight, elite sport, changing everything forever, near death experience, acts of charity, becoming one with nature, soiled underwear, supporting the arts, theft. And that’s just a few of our signature moves. Try to pick one item from that list that you couldn’t spin up a headline about. Add “Multinational Fake Fraternity of Man-Children” to that headline and there’s no way the piece isn’t going national. Suddenly your city’s got press baby!

What Your City Can do for Us

Cleary, you’re sold. You’ve probably already laid this letter down and are reaching for either your phone or your check book or both. Slow down cowboy! Whether or not we select your city as the HQ for Man Camp IV depends on what you’re willing to do for us capiche? How much do you want it - the fame and fortune, the prosperity, the “Man Camp Bump” as it’s called? Ball’s in your court. Shoot us an offer. As a guideline, let me give you an idea of what we’re looking for in return:

We’re very by-the-book here at Man Camp, and would prefer cash first and foremost. $40,000 should suffice. I know what your thinking: “Seriously? You’re kidding? That’s all?! Take my money! Hell take my kids!” We would be happy to take your house (keep your kids), but we prefer the cash. If a lump sum is a bit rich for your blood, we are happy to work out installments. $420 a month for 69 months will suffice. This comes out to $42,069 which includes $2069 in interest.

Not rich? Uncool dude(ette)! Haha just kidding... We can work something else out. How about free lodging in an area that could use some tourism? Comped air-fare would also suffice. Maybe some tickets to local events or tours where we can guarantee photo opportunities and social media posts? We’d even settle for some city merch that we’ll wear for the trip - and once we get back home. Or a couple of Costco gift cards. A few sandwiches? Crash on your couch? Seriously… Anything?

You’re breaking my balls! You know, the lowest we’ll go, and I mean the lowest we’ll go, you son of a bitch, is like 70 Southwest Airlines drink coupons. But no less than 70. We know our worth. And we need them.

At the very least, just please don’t tell anyone I sent you this letter. I’ve been counterfeiting stamps for years and the USPS is looking for me.

Cheers,

Jack Keith

Footnotes

1. This was a subtle peyote joke.

2. Absolutely NOTHING in this letter is contractual, and because you read this footnote you can’t sue us, we’re pretty sure.