Johnny Bravo and Cacio E Pepe

Johnny Johnny Bravo baby, listen up. Are you over the age of 20? Have you purchased pots and pans in your lifetime? Silverware? (it’s actually called flatware, betch) DooOO you buy organic? Do you understand the difference between vegetables being sprayed with pesticides or not? Do your eggs come from chickens that have area to ROAM? 

On another note, do you receive a paycheck? Are you a bad mamajama who makes the benjamins? Do you eat chipotle more than once a month? 

I’m here to help you. You need to grow up. Don’t be defensive, don’t worry - you will be cooking nude in an apron by the end of this. You do not want a dad bod made up rice and beans. You want a dad bod made up on my mom’s meatballs and bechamel sauce. Let’s ride, Johnny. 

We can do this together. It’s time you learned to cook, and I’m going to teach you, Noodle by noodle. 

Lets get started…

First things first is you’re starting from scratch. Why are we cooking? To eat? No. We cook to create with our hands. We cook to get outside of our head, to conquer the neural pathways that run recklessly upstairs. We cook to create. We cook to prove to ourselves that regardless of what is happening in the world around us, this one moment, this one meal will be successful and damn delicious. We honor the experience by not being schmucks and realizing halfway through that we’re out of Parmesan or even worse we only have pre-shredded Parmesan. 💀

I will not tolerate this nonsense. You are better than this. We cook because life is worth living, it’s worth soaking up every magnificent drop of life out of it. 

Agreed? Agreed. Listen up. 

Now that we’re in this. First things first -when we cook we mise en place. This means that everything is in it’s proper position before we begin. This allows all your tools and ingredients to be within an arms reach when you begin. This is expert level 5,000. Do this. You’ve had enough in-n-out in your lifetime to fill the back of a pickup truck. You can prep a few vegetables. I believe in you. 

You should have everything this recipe needs in your pantry. *should*. If you don’t, let’s talk soon about your grocery list and have you heard of grocery delivery? Somebody will bag your groceries for you, well first they’ll choose the zucchinis you want and then make it all come together for you and deliver it to your door. No excuses, Danny. 

INGREDIENTS :

→ You’ll need 3 lemons (recipe calls for Meyer lemons but who cares. If you only have two lemons, hold on to yer panties that’s fine)

→ Kosher salt (off-brand salt is NOT SUITABLE!! NOR is table salt. This is what the chefs use and you, you are a chef now.) 

→ 3/4 lb. spaghetti (This is ¾ of the package spaghetti comes in… but I always use all the noddles cause noodles. Noodles for noods. Ok I’m done. 

→ 1 T (tablespoon) of olive oil (there are also levels of quality of olive oil, but I don’t want to overwhelm your sensitive heart so whatever you have is fine. Canola oil is not. Chill out Brad.)

→ 2 T (tablespoon) unsalted butter 

→ 1/2 cup heavy cream 

→ 1 cup grated Parmesan cheese, plus more for serving (this is a BLOCK of Parmesan. Grated on the smallest edge of a traditional box grater. If the tiniest side is too hard for your big biceps, use the second to smallest side. NOT THE BIG HOLES - don’t offend me.) (We aren’t even considering if you’re using the kraft pantry Parmesan- my god)

→ 5 oz. baby arugula (organic!! Do you want soil that has been sprayed with hormones that can make you crazy? No I didn’t think so.)

→ Freshly ground black pepper

This pasta is perfect for the dropping temperatures. The citrus makes it bright where the sauce and arugula gives it a depth that warms you right up. (Say this whenever you serve whoever you’re eating with. Listen to how professional it sounds!! For sure a second date out of this if you cook. I mean, obviously.)

Okay back to mise en place! I’m not even going to let you read the recipe yet. Now that you’ve taken your cute ass boy butt to the store, let’s start. I’m not going to list out the recipe traditionally, as I think that it’s the worst way to cook - with ambiguous steps that pounce of your prior knowledge of the recipe. What if this is your first time? You’re on step 4 and they’re assuming the pasta is cooked - you’re behind and all of a sudden your creamy sauce turns into a gravy and although Aunt Karen loves it - it still sucks.

I’m going to write this recipe like I’d cook it - and with each step prepping you for the next - keep up baby boo let’s go. 

1a. Locate everything. Let’s mise en place. 

• Locate your lemons, box grater or microplane. 

• Get your large pot out. 

• Get a large skillet out too (the biggest you have) (a cast iron skillet will not work) (you prob usually cook bacon in this pan) 

• Open fridge and grab heavy whipping cream. Locate ½ cup measuring cup. 

• Cut 2 T off of a butter stick. They have the little measuring guides on the sides. Sometimes I do 3T because I’m a baddie :) 

• Get your arugula out of the fridge. 

• Last one, grate all your parm. A lot a lot a lot. Recipe calls for 1 cup of parm but who’s stopping you? Shoot for the moon and you’ll land upon the cheese stars. What? Ignore that. Moving on. 

• Find the pepper in your pantry. I hope to God you have a pepper grinder, but if not, I’ll survive. Just go ahead and locate your pepper. 

1b. Zest all three lemons. You can do this with a microplane, or the smallest side of a box grater. (remember?) Put the zest in a lil cute bowl. Or a mug if you don’t have baby bowls. 

2. Juice the three lemons. Make sure you scoop out the seeds and throw them away. Juice the lemons with a juicer device, and if you don’t have that, your hands will work. Slice the lemon in half and squeeze it over another small bowl. 

3. You now have two bowls: one of zest and one of juice. You should have around 2 tablespoons of zest and 1/2 cup of juice, but who cares if not. Keep going. 

Tip! If you disposal doesn’t suck ass then throw half of your lemon in it and turn on your disposal. It’ll clear out any old meat or gross things that have adhered to the blades. Make sure water is running while you’re doing this. 🍋🍋

4. Bring a large pot of water to a boil. (your biggest pot - aka a pan with high side) Add A TON OF SALT - WE WANT SALT WATER BABY. 🌊🌊 Like 2-3 tablespoons. But, eyeball it. I believe in you. 

5. Once the water is boiling and after you’ve added the salt, grab your pasta and find the little icon where it gives you some timing. Usually it’ll says al dente: ~7 minutes. (Yours could be longer or shorter- don’t fret. Add the pasta to the water. Scream at siri to make a timer. This recipe depends on timing so don’t f*ck it up. I love you. You’re doing great. 

6. When the pasta is about 5 minutes away from being al dente - get your other pan ready. The one you make bacon in. Heat the oil over medium heat. Let it heat up for around 30 seconds. 

7. Add the two tablespoons of butter to the oil and cook until melted, about 2 minutes. Next, add the heavy whip cream and bring to a simmer. Things are moving faster, I’m so proud of you. Add the lemon juice and half the zest and cook together for 2 minutes more or until slightly reduced. (When it’s not as watery and has started to thicken a bit, it’s game time.) Check your pasta timer.

8. When your pasta is JUST FINISHED because you’re a master in the kitchen - do not dump the pasta into a colander. Instead, take the tongs you have only ever used to grill outside twice. Using the tongs, scoop the pasta directly into the skillet with the butter, oil and heavy whipp. NOW STIR!! Like hard. In a circle, stir vigorously. The pasta will react to the sauce and since it came from boiling water, we have a short window whereit will adhere to the sauce. Add in 1/2 cup of pasta water and stir some more. 

9. You can keep using your tongs or you can switch to a pasta spoon, whatever suits ya. Now. Add the parmesan and arugula. Toss to coat until the arugula wilts, adding 1/4 cup of pasta water or more (up to 1 cup), if needed, to loosen up the sauce. 

10. Taste your masterpiece. Plate in bowls using the tongs and swirl your plate as your place the pasta on it. This is how you get that swirled look that’ll show you’re a real ass cook 😉

11. Plate in bowls and garnish with the remaining lemon zest. (I never do this part.) But I DO add more Parmesan and salt and pepper. 

p.s. This was never cacio e pepe. 

xoxo 
Gossip girl 

P.p.s. This recipe is called Lemony Arugula Pasta from Back Pocket Pasta :)