Let me start this off by saying I acknowledge I was a total bitch in high school. I still am from time to time, but in high school I was THE bitch.

Now because of this, I had enemies. I mean don’t we all? But I had more than the typical gal. Maybe my contribution to this page will just be highlighting each of my enemies through the years. But for now, I’ll start with my longest standing enemy - Taylor Thompson.

Let me give you a little background here: Taylor Thompson and I went to the same middle school, we were both cheerleaders, we dated the same guy, I kissed her brother once… See, we had a lot in common. Now, Taylor was a year older than me, which meant, that if you were in her class year or earlier, you would go to the same high school that everyone had since forever. Now if you were to graduated in my class year, you were going to go to that same high school your freshman year and then go to the “cool”, new high school being built for the rest of high school!!!

Note: It wasn’t actually cool. I remember the day I found out in 8th grade, I bawled for weeks… WEEKS. But I wasn’t the only one, no one wanted to go to the new school.

So you see, it wasn’t reaaaally my fault. Were were divided before it even really all began.

Now like I said, I did get to go to the actually cool high school for one year. I tried out for the cheer team as a freshman and made it, which also meant, I was on the cheer team with Taylor Thompson. Taylor was the most popular sophomore, so you can understand that when a super hot, cool freshman enters your territory… you get a little competitive. And when you are a super hot, cool freshman, you get a little competitive.

I am trying to think through all the shit that went down between me and Taylor Thompson over the years to narrow it down to what really made us hate each other, and I am pretty sure it was the texting game incident.

The Texting Game Incident:

Last period of the day is cheer. Now after you roll out the mats for practice, you sit with your pod and stretch. Well my best friends were in my pod, and while we stretched, we liked to play a litttttle game with each others’ phones. Today, you might know it as “Text or Shot”, but there were no shots involved, just inappropriate text messages to whoever you wanted on the person’s phone you had. So my best friend decided to text “You have small tits” to the worst possible person you could text… Yup, you guessed it, Taylor Thompson. And may I remind you, we were at cheer practice... with TAYLOR THOMPSON.

Yup, I really think that was the incident that did us in. But to be fair, what was texted to her was not untrue… she was as flat as a board. But I know, I know, that wasn’t very nice to say, but I was punished for it, don’t you worry! That was my “last strike” in cheer and I was kicked off for the remainder of the year and had to go to P.E. instead. (Note: I’m not shy, you can ask me sometime about those other 2 strikes.)

Sadly, the hatred did not end when I went to the new high school, it only continued. And now, I am going to give you a first-hand look into the life of the super hot, cool (now sophomore) me and the evil, flat-chested Taylor Thompson.

BUT WAIT! Before you start, if you’re reading this and it is after 4PM on a Friday, grab a Lone Star! We are about to make this into a little drinking game: Every time you read the word “bitch”... drink, bitch.

OK PAUSE: This “Julie”, being referred to, does happen to have red hair. I was fired up (no pun intended), because she was fighting Julie’s battles for her. But again, I know it was wrong to call Julie a “firecrotch”, but hey, if the carpet matches the drapes…

PAUSE: “I’m not finding a reason to be a bitch, I’m just a bitch to you because you’ve always been a bitch to me. Trust me bitch…” If you weren’t already on your second beer, you should be now.

So I’ll save you from drinking your second beer as quickly as you did your first and skip on to a few months late… when Taylor Thompson shows up at my high school’s football game while I am cheering and repeatedly yells “bitch”, among other names, over the fence for entire second half.

Here is that aftermath:

Note: Nina did not have red hair… but she was also a bitch.
Drink up! This heats up (again, no pun intended):

Note: Taylor Thompson says “senior year” because we were going to be the first graduating class at this new school... meaning since the beginning, we were the upperclassmen, so me and my friends always called ourselves seniors. I know, very cool, but nonetheless, SEN1OR2!

PAUSE: I really cringed reading back on this. I am ashamed in this moment (and hopefully was in that moment), so I’ll give it to her. She really got me there. But wait, there is redemption in the name of Jesus, folks… read on to 6 months later:

And just like that, Taylor Thompson and I were no longer enemies. Don’t be fooled, I went on to have many more, but I just want to thank Facebook Messenger, Apple (for the iPhone 3GS), Austin Christian Fellowship, DNOW 2010, my cheer coaches who never believed in me, the firecrotch community, and most importantly, Zach Wayne, for giving me the platform to share my story.

Happy Almost Friday, bitches.